Keeping Friends After Death

Grief makes you feel shaky, cloudy, lost, and unsure. Your world doesn’t make sense anymore, and you can’t imagine things will ever be okay again. In these moments, you need something steady to hold onto, which is where friends step in to provide normality, distraction, and support.



Studies show that receiving support from friends plays a large role in easing the symptoms of grief. However, it is important to understand what is reasonable to expect from your mates and how to handle those who aren’t measuring up.

What Do You Really Need When You’re Grieving?

In the midst of grief, your needs can change from hour to hour. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on without using platitudes like "time will heal" or "it was for the best". Other times, you might simply want a mate to hang out with—watching TV, having a laugh, or heading out for a drink. Even a friend just popping in to check on you can provide a sense of security.

Good friends stay with you even when it isn't easy or fun. They help pick up the pieces when you are shattered and provide the comfort and stability of the past when things were normal. You should not worry about being a burden or breaking down in front of them; your inner circle is meant to be there when things are uncomfortable or difficult.

When Friends Fall Short

Unfortunately, not everyone steps up during these times. Some mates might go quiet, avoid answering messages, or even look away when they see you. They might skip important moments like the funeral or wake, which can feel like a significant blow.

Why friends might not show support:

• They may have their own pain or fears they don't want to face.
• They might not know how to give support or worry they will say the wrong thing and make you feel worse.
• Some may not feel they are "up to the task" or may not want to extend themselves beyond the good times.

What Can You Do?

Before deciding to remove friends from your life, give them a chance by telling them exactly what you need. Sometimes they just need a nudge to know how to help. Keep it simple and casual:

• "Do you want to come over for a movie and a beer? I need a break from everything."
• "I don't feel like being at home—do you have time for a coffee and a chat?"
• "I feel a bit crappy today—I need some fun. Do you want to go and check out that new winery?"

Deciding Who’s in Your Corner

Grief is a lonely place because everyone experiences it differently. Ultimately, you cannot expect your friends to meet all of your needs; there are times you will have to go it alone.

To lean on your inner circle effectively:

1. Work out what you need.
2. Ask for it.
3. Show appreciation when they step up.

If friends don't step up, try to understand what might be affecting them. If you still enjoy their company and their lack of support doesn't bother you, there is nothing wrong with keeping things as they are. However, if you have asked for more and they still don't show up, it might be time to move on from "fair-weather" friends and stick with those who stay through both difficult and good times.

About the Author

Gail Rodrigues is the owner of Eulogy Edge, an enterprise dedicated to supporting people as they navigate loss, legacy, and reclamation of self. Her background includes years of education and therapeutic practice in clinical hypnotherapy, kinesiology, and counselling. Gail is the author of "7 Steps to a Memorable Eulogy", a guidebook designed to help individuals get closure and come to terms with their loss. Her work is underpinned by the ethos of developing a communication style that is thoughtful, respectful, authentic, and enmeshed with personal growth.